Ellen at fatgirlwearingthin wrote a post the other day that really struck a chord with me. She was talking about gearing up for winter. Winter is not my favorite time of the year. Even though I love the holidays with the family gatherings, the food, the music, the lights, the traditions, the advent wreath, the wonderful Christmas Eve Mass, I DON’T like winter. Where I live we basically live under gun-metal gray skies from November until late March. Those are not pretty months for me.
We have had awesomely sunny weather recently. Very, very unusual for this time of year. I am really, really thankful for it. But I have just been off kilter for the last week. It is just a sense of constant unease – like things are about fly apart. I can’t explain it very well. But as soon as read her post I understood where a lot of my feelings were coming from. Here is the comment I left on her post:
I have been really bummed this week, Ellen. I have been trying and trying to figure out why. I had a terrific weekend. I have had a good week so far. But emotionally I am just really off track. It is like you have been in my head, rooting around for the cause. It is the time change and the change in weather. It is still sunny, but I know what is coming. I know how horribly depressed I can get. I have my light on my desk (which is visible on clean desk photo). My desk is situated so that I am exposed to whatever sun there is all day long. I am now pretty much in the habit of getting up and taking a shower each morning. I am doing better about eating (though I still have a huge way to go). While I was at my parent’s house I found my goal picture. It is a picture that was taken the year hubby and I met. I was at the weight where I felt my best. I loved how I looked, and I would like to get back there. So I am trying to figure out where I need to post it. Hubby and I are trying to figure out how to divide time so that I have the opportunity to work out. We are working on meal plans. I am making all the right changes. But I am still really in the doldrums. I think it is truly fear. Fear of the darkness that I know is coming. Fear of falling into that hole of depression that can suck me down so far. And anger that I have to be on medication for SAD which is one of 2 major roadblocks in adopting one more child from China. That anger is then turned back on myself and I fall deeper into that hole.
As a result of that comment she and I have been shooting e-mails back and forth. Through writing her I have been able to clarify my feeling more and to recognize a lot of the stressors that I am currently experiencing. I find it amazing how the simple act of writing something down can be so therapeutic. So for today I am going to recognize a couple of gifts -
1 – my new friend, Ellen. I hope someday to meet her in real life.
2 – the desire to and miracle of writing. It has been my companion, my friend, my confidant.
3 – that after every winter there is a spring. It may take a while, but it will happen, and it will be beautiful!