On My Way Home

Before Hubby and I moved into our current house we lived on a different side of town and attended an awesome Parish.  It was extremely diverse and had been shepherded for over 20 years by some amazing priests.  We would sit in the pew on Sundays and grin at each other as we listened to the homily.  It was like the priest had a listening device in our home because he would be talking about something that matched what was going on in our home.  It was truly God reaching out to us.

Since we moved we have faced so many struggles.  But the one thing we did was find a parish that we were comfortable worshiping at, was somewhat diverse, and had great programs for the littles.    God has been talking to Hubby through the pastor and other priests.  He has been truly fed at this parish.  Me, not so much.   Before anyone jumps in and says that I need to find a new place, let me explain that it has nothing to do with God or the parish.  It has everything to do with me.   This blog, as the title says, is all about finding the gifts in my life.  I need the focus of this blog so that I can find myself again, so that I can center my life around God.  He has not moved, I have.  I know He is waiting for me to come back.  I know He has His arms wide open.   But somewhere I fell into the trap that I had to be in total control.  There was something else.  You know when you have a friend that you have not sat down and talked to in a long time and there is just so much catching up to do? You put off calling your friend until you have time to talk.  But then time gets away from you and never get around to calling.  Then you feel so embarrassed that you have not called that you avoid it and then that never-ending cycle continues.  That is where I am with God.  That is how my life got so out of control.  That is why I need to find the gifts.  I know God is putting them there for me to find.  I know He is trying to get my attention.  But it has been so long since I have sent a Thank You note that I am ashamed.   This estrangement, this separation, does not help when mixed in with all the other stressors that I wrote about yesterday.  Nor does it make the very real physical condition of SAD easier to overcome.

So now it is time to find the most direct route back to my Father.  The windy road of the last few years has worn me out.

It is time – time to seek, time to confess, time to rest.

It is time from me to find my way home to God.

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6 responses to “On My Way Home

  1. Right there with you, sister. Knowing I need to spend time with the Father but feeling guilty about the time I haven’t spent. Round and round it goes. Good for you to recognize it and work on the path back. You can do it!

    • Hey Pam – I finally “made a quick call” to God last night. I was so tired that I did not have the energy for a long heart to heart, but when I went to sleep I felt as if He were sitting by my bedside. Had a great night’s sleep!

  2. So glad to see you back on and blogging. I hope you are finding some peace and clarity within your writing and that things are looking better day by day.

    • Thank you, Ellen. I am. I was told recently that my German heritage is to blame for my feelings of “things are too good, something bad is going to happen”. I talked with Hubby last night about my fears of what they will find in his surgery. God and I also had a talk last night before I went to sleep. Now I have so many things I want to write about that I can’t get them down fast enough!

  3. Wow! You’ve written this blog post straight from my own heart. I’m going through the exact same thing. And you’re right, it isn’t any church or spiritual leader’s fault, it’s my own. I’ve let my life and what I think it important lead me astray, so far to the point that when I do take time to really talk to God, it sounds forced and contrived. In the last several years, mostly due to the family struggles, I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself, a true sense of who I was. God has all the answers and He has all the comfort, it’s just a matter of ME making the first move back there. I’m so untrusting and so determined to be in control of my own life. But He’s always waiting … I’m so thankful for His patience!

    • Courtney – I am so glad that something I wrote touched you. I find trust to be very difficult for me – with other people and with God. I keep trying to do things on my own, but He keeps bringing me back. It reminds me of when the girls were small and they would say “I do it!”, and then come to me when they couldn’t. They needed to recognize their limitations, and they needed the security and guidance of me, their mom, just as I need the security and guidance of God. I remember talking to a priest one day who had been walking through our infertility struggles with me. He grinned at something I said about God’s leading and said “It is like He has on you rubber band and keeps snapping you back when you get too far away”. There is a lot of security in that statement, knowing that God is not going to let me get too far away and that I am always tethered to Him.

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