I am seriously dumping my brain into this blog post just because I don’t have anywhere else to get rid of the overload.
The second is that right now my brain IS a dump and I need to declutter it. Man, I would really like to get rid of that theme in my life.
So here we go – I will attempt to make this somewhat organized so that I don’t totally scare off my 1 remaining reader, and so that when I revisit this post, I am able to make sense of it and see if I have progressed at all!
Physical house clutter – well, I can’t say that it is any worse, but it is definitely not any better! I live in my dream house – there is nothing else in the house that I could honestly want. There is way more space than a family of 4 needs. It is structurally a very pretty house. The house is filled with roomy closets and ample cabinets. There is absolutely no reason why this house should be this cluttered! If there were 7 people, maybe. But even if there were 7 people living in this house it is large enough that it should not be this cluttered and disorganized. The only thing that I can complain about regarding this house is that the interior is not painted (waiting on $$$ to get that done). The rest is completely a result of poor habits. So I am back on the band wagon to get this house finally organized. I was talking to someone the other day who put it into perspective for me. We moved into the house 3 months after we adopted our 2nd daughter (adoption in January, move in March). I had a hysterectomy in April. That month was spent just getting things in place where my family could function while I was on major lifting restrictions from surgery. From that time forward my family has lived from one “crisis” to another. About the time that we would start to feel like we could move forward another would hit us. They ranged from 3 occurrences of cancer in my father, my husband being laid off, a dear friend’s death, giving up some of my personal goals so my husband could be a small business owner, the economy crash hitting my husband’s business hard, knowing there was something wrong with my oldest but not being able to get anyone to listen to me and then finally finding an awesome occupational therapist to help us out. Those were the major issues and don’t include all the little things that occur on a daily basis. The result is that we never really moved into the house. We never established systems that worked for the long term. Those are the things that we now need to do. Our lives are starting to calm down and hubby and I are once again working together instead of working on the parallel and never meeting!
Emotionally I need to let go of a lot of things. This is tied very closely with my spiritual life. Throughout all of the things that I have listed above I could look back and see where God had worked in my life. But I was unable to truly focus on and find Him during the events. I am now consciously working on training my soul to search out God, to pray constantly, and to praise Him even during the bad times. I have a very long way to go, but I can see where I have grown. I have taken the first step in signing up for a Bible Study at our church that takes place during Sunday Morning Religious Education for the girls. DH is going to be going with me. I look forward to sharing this experience with him and learning together. My youngest will also make her First Holy Communion this upcoming spring. It is a time to reflect on His gift of Himself to us. While this will make for a very busy year with retreats and classes, it will make my journey towards peace much easier to follow since there will be a set path for me this year. In the journey I need to find where God wants DH and I to be regarding family growth – are we to adopt another child? What role am I to play in the lives of young people as my girls grow? How do I let go of that desire to have “just one more child” in my home? How do I let go of my anger and disappointment at not being able to be a stay at home mom? How do I let go to dream of home-schooling my children? How to I ensure that faith and morals are passed on to them in this fast paced, way too worldly world in which we live?
Physically I am a mess. I am at my all time highest weight EVER! I have taken a giant leap in this arena and started taking Tae Kwon Do. My oldest and DH have been taking it for a little over a year. My youngest and I signed up last week. I have been to 2 classes. I was wringing wet by the time the class was over, but I really felt good. As my body begins to become more accustomed to the increased activity, I will tackle my dietary habits and those of my family. This will be a tough area for me. So much of my physical challenges lay squarely in the lap of the whole reason I was unable to bear children. It is a vicious cycle that is incredibly difficult to break and control. But if I want to be around to see who my girls turn out to be, I need to become proactive. So one step at a time. I refuse to try and change to much at once regarding my physical self – but I WILL make the needed changes and be able to be a physical presence that does not embarrass my girls. To hear that I am a hot mama from my DH would be nice, too!
Finances are finally starting to look up. They will continue to be tight as we dig out of the hole incurred by the economy. But we are slowly working away and will get there. I need to take a more active role in conserving money and squeezing every drop of value from each penny. I have started to coupon and watch sales. It is a steep learning curve for me. Over the last few years I was grateful just to have enough money to get food for the girls – we got necessities only. Now that we can start spending a little more, I want to continue to be frugal and get as much value as possible.
My relationship with DH went through some rough patches over the last couple of years. As the money canyon got more narrow, the emotional river ran faster and with many, many rapids. We went on a World Wide Marriage Encounter this summer. It was the perfect way for us to reconnect. He put it perfectly – it was like we were both trying to reach each other, but we were on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon. Over that weekend we finally met at the bottom of the Canyon. There is a ranch down in the Canyon, along the Colorado River with a small, clear stream running through it. It is called Phantom Ranch. DH and I both felt that we finally reached the Ranch that weekend and were finally able to talk to each other without shouting across a gaping chasm. We have a lot of re-tweeking to do on our communication, but we a finally on the same path, walking the same direction and holding hands while we travel. I am so blessed to have him in my life as my partner. After 21 years of marriage I still get butterflies when I see him. He and my girls are what motivate me to become a better person, to live more fully, to laugh more, to move more, to be less weighted down with emotional/physical/house clutter.
So my journey starts with one step. This first step is towards my bed to get adequate rest to be able to tackle my projects. Catch you on the flip side of the clock!